The Used Tampon

I wanted to share a quick, gross but entertaining story that happened to me.

So from the title you can already guess that this is going to be one of those posts. A slow-motion train wreck that will make you want and need to exit quickly, if only you could look away. If you stay, don’t blame me, I warned you.

I also apologize now for any haunting dreams this post may cause. Sadly, its details are burned in my memory, and misery loves company, so let’s be miserable together.

The Lemons…

She was a sweet girl, really and for purposes of this post, we will call her Popper. 

Popper was always willing to share and do anything she could to help someone else. That quality alone made her different from others I met, but I had yet to find out how different.

The first alarming thing she did taught me that she not only didn’t fear germs, she laughed at it. No biggie, many people aren’t neat freaks, but a lot of people don’t eat from others’ mouths either! Ok, I will back up to explain.

One day we were walking from the store, and she asked me… well, never mind, I will give you the dialogue.

Popper – “Do you have any gum?”

Me – “No.”

Popper – “You are lying, yes you do.”

Me – “Huh? No, I’m not. This is my last piece that I am chewing right now.”

Popper – “Well Duh. That means you have more gum!”

Me – “You mean what I’m chewing, you want some of this?”

Popper – “Yes.”

Major Pause: I know some of you are going to judge me for my next action. You think I had just as much to do with this catastrophe as she did, and you may be right.

But, I ask you, has anyone ever asked you something so crazy that you played along to see where it would lead?

You were terrified and in disbelief that it could lead where you thought, but you had to know if it would actually play out?

No? Well, read on and live vicariously through my stories. If yes, nice to meet you; I’m so glad I’m not alone. Anyways, back to the story.

So I did it. I pulled a piece of gum out of my mouth and offered it to her. She took it and started chewing it as if it were a fresh stick she had just unwrapped herself. I was SHOCKED, but it was the funniest thing. 

Popper acted like it was so normal that she made me feel like the weird one for seeing her actions as gross. How do you like that?! 

We continued to walk home, and maybe not a smart choice, but I still hung out with her.

I should have known that if something happens once, it is likely to happen again. The next thing that she did was so horrifyingly unbelievable that it took the cake. 

I’m sorry, fuck the cake. She took the whole bakery and the owners didn’t put up a fight!

We were at her cousin’s house getting ready to go to a festival at the park. I was applying makeup in the bathroom mirror when she walked in with an annoyed look on her face.

Me – “What’s wrong with you?”

Popper – “My period came on. You got a pad or something?”

Me – “No. Maybe your cousin does though, ask her.”

Popper – “No, I don’t want to. She is stingy with literally everything. I’ll see if I can find one in here.”

After searching for a few minutes and turning up empty-handed she sat down and sighed. Then she smiled, walked to the trashcan, and pulled out a used tampon.

Popper – “I can use this!”

Me – “UUUUMMMM WHAT??!! That’s been used. Are you kidding me?”

Popper – “Girl, please, it’s not used. I mean, I don’t even see any blood on it. I’ll bet my cousin just opened it and didn’t like the way it looked or something and then just threw it away. She’s wasteful like that.”

Me – “Wasteful or not, I wouldn’t risk it. You have no idea where that thing has been. It was in the trash, let it stay there!”

Popper – “Goodness, you are so scary. It will be fine.”

And off she went to start what may have been step one in destroying her vaginal sector. As far as I am concerned, that tampon had already been used. Regardless, I never said anything to her cousin, and although utterly disgusted I never brought it up again.

Actually, we didn’t remain friends much longer. It wasn’t necessarily due to the gum or tampon incident. Possibly, it was a combination of those things tied in with her overall mindset. Even though we aren’t friends anymore, she is out of sight, but unfortunately, her actions aren’t out of mind.

The Lemonade…

There is no making lemonade out of this one, guys. This is a many margaritas type lesson. Some things have no explanation and shouldn’t try to be understood. Just have a drink and try to forget.

At least she was a great person, and because of her, I now have this uniquely gross experience to share with you. So see, I found a bright side to it after all. I’m glad I could be of service to you. Now that, that trauma is over, let’s have a drink… a BIG ONE.

THE END

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